When you ask someone how did I do, you usually get nothing useful.
You get fine.
You get it was good.
You get a shrug dressed up as a compliment.
It is not that they have no thoughts.
It is that you handed them too big a question, and the safest answer to a big vague question is a small vague one.
So make it easy for them to help you.
Ask for one thing.
Instead of any feedback, try what is the one thing I could have done better in that meeting.
Instead of thoughts on my code, try where did you have to work hardest to understand this.
A narrow question gives them a door to walk through.
Now they can actually tell you something real, because you told them where to aim.
And when they do tell you, do one thing above all.
Do not defend.
The instinct is to explain why you did it that way.
Resist it.
The moment you defend, you teach that person that giving you feedback costs them an argument, and they will stop.
Just listen.
Say thank you.
Ask a follow up question if you want to understand more.
You can decide later whether they were right.
In the moment, your only job is to make it safe to be honest with you.
The people who grow fastest are not the most talented.
They are the ones others feel safe telling the truth to.
That safety is something you build, one calm reaction at a time.
So ask for the one specific thing.
Receive it without flinching.
And thank them like they did you a favor.
Because they did.
– Asael Shinder
