Dev Memes & Humor
Because programming is either debugging or laughing at debugging.
Works on My Machine™
Developer ships a bug. QA finds it. Dev: 'Works fine on my machine.' QA: 'Ship your machine then.'
git commit -m 'fix'
Monday: git commit -m 'refactored codebase' Tuesday: git commit -m 'minor cleanup' Wednesday: git commit -m 'fix' Thursday: git commit -m 'fix2' Friday: git commit -m 'PLEASE WORK'
Center a div
CS Student: I want to work on something challenging. Internet: Can you center a div in CSS? CS Student: ...I chose the wrong career.
99 bugs in the code
99 little bugs in the code, 99 little bugs. Take one down, patch it around, 127 little bugs in the code.
This meeting could've been an email
'Let's schedule a sync to discuss the possibility of potentially maybe having a meeting to look at whether we might consider examining the option of talking about it.'
Estimation
Project Manager: How long will this take? Dev: 2 weeks. 3 months later... PM: Is it done? Dev: I just need 2 more weeks.
Database NULL
Database engineer's least favorite joke: 'Why did the programmer quit his job?' 'Because he didn't get arrays.' Actually their least fave: 'NULL pointer exception'
Senior vs Junior
Junior Dev: This code is terrible, who wrote this mess? *checks git blame* Junior Dev: ...ah.
CSS Zen
CSS is like a magic spell: You write position: absolute; ...turns out everything else on the page was possessed.
Force Push
git push --force 'I am not throwing away my shot.' — Hamilton 'I am not throwing away my shot.' — Developer about to overwrite prod
Technical Debt
Tech debt is like eating fast food. 'We'll clean it up later.' Later is now 3 years, 5 devs, and a complete rewrite.
Human == Coffee
A developer is a machine that converts coffee → code. Bug reports convert code → coffee again.
Standup
Standup meeting: Every dev: 'Working on ticket #1234, no blockers.' Also every dev: *has 47 blockers, too tired to explain*
Browser Support
Design: It should look amazing on all browsers! *works perfectly in Chrome* *looks like abstract art in Internet Explorer* Dev: Works on all MODERN browsers.
Scale
'We need to make this scale to millions of users.' Current users: 17 (including the dev team, their moms, and a cat named Whiskers)
Debugging
Debugging: Removing the needles from a haystack. Debugging with console.log: Adding more hay to find the needle.
Merge Conflicts
Git says: CONFLICT in user.js — 43 conflicts. Dev: picks 'accept incoming' Also dev: *breaks production* Also dev: git stash && git push -f
MVP
MVP means: - Startup: minimum viable product - Dev: maximum viable procrastination - Designer: make visuals prettier - PM: ship it yesterday
Senior Dev Secret
What makes a Senior Dev senior? 1. They've made every mistake before. 2. They Google slower because they're more confident. 3. They have better excuses.
Agile
'We practice Agile.' Meaning: Daily standups that last 45 minutes, Sprints that end with 60% done, and a backlog the size of War and Peace.
Password '123456'
User signup: Password: 123456 System: Password too weak. User: Password123! System: OK! Security: 😭
Mobile First
Design: 'Here's the desktop design.' Dev: 'What about mobile?' Design: 'Oh just make it smaller.' Dev: *internal screaming*