The Inheritance That Isn't Money

It's Father's Day, so I have been thinking about what actually gets handed down. After 33 years advising families, the wealth that lasts is almost never the money.
The short version:most family wealth is lost within three generations, and the cause is almost never taxes or bad investing. Research on thousands of families finds about 70% of transfers fail by the second generation, mostly from broken communication and heirs who were never prepared. The inheritance that actually lasts is*judgment, shared values, and an early, honest money conversation*, not just the estate documents.

The number everyone plans for, and the one they miss

The Great Wealth Transfer is projected to move roughly $84 trillion through 2045, with 42% of those dollars coming from just 1.5% of households [Cerulli Associates]. Yet, about 70% of wealth transfers fail by the second generation, according to research by Williams and Preisser tracking 3,250 families [Kitces]. The failure isn't usually due to taxes or legal issues; it's often about communication and trust within the family.

Why estates fail, and it is almost never taxes

Williams and Preisser's research found that 60% of these failures are due to communication and trust breakdowns, 25% are because heirs are unprepared, and only about 15% are due to taxes, legal issues, or investment mistakes [Kitces].
In my experience, that is exactly backwards from how most families spend their energy. They pour years into preparing the assets, the trust, the tax plan, the entity, and almost no time into preparing the people who will receive them.Often the plan is well prepared, and the heirs are not.

What actually transfers: judgment, values, and the conversation

The true inheritance is not just financial assets but the values and judgment passed down. Ethical wills, or legacy letters, are one way to document non-material legacies of values [NIH/PMC]. These tools help the next generation understand not just what they are inheriting, but how to carry it.
After 33 years, the pattern I see is simple: heirs who were handed money they were never taught to steward tend to do one of two things:freeze or overspend. The ones who keep it were taught judgment long before they were handed a balance.

Three things you can do this year

Hold one honest family meeting

In my experience, one of the most useful things you can do in a wealth transition is hold the first honest family meeting, and most families schedule it about ten years too late. Get everyone in a room,talk about values before numbers, and let your heirs ask the questions they have been afraid to ask. In my experience, families rarely regret starting that conversation early.

Write a legacy letter

Alongside your legal will, consider writing a legacy letter to share your values and life lessons. This can provide guidance and context for your heirs beyond the financial aspects [NIH/PMC].

Bring your heirs into the advisor relationship

Involving your heirs in meetings with your financial advisor can help them understand the nuances of wealth management and prepare them for future decisions [Cerulli Associates].

The honest caveat: done wrong, this backfires

It's important to approach these conversations carefully. Disclosing too much too early can lead to entitlement or demotivation. The key is to balance transparency with guidance, ensuring heirs are prepared without feeling overwhelmed.

Frequently Asked Questions

How do I talk to my kids about money without spoiling them?Start with values and responsibilities before discussing specific amounts. Focus on stewardship and the importance of managing wealth wisely.When should heirs learn the details of the inheritance?Introduce them to the concepts early, but gradually reveal details as they mature and demonstrate readiness.What is a legacy letter or ethical will?A legacy letter is a document that shares your values, life lessons, and hopes for the future, complementing the legal aspects of a will.Why do most families lose their wealth by the third generation?Research shows that communication breakdowns and unprepared heirs are the main reasons for wealth loss, not taxes or legal issues.Should I bring my children to a meeting with my financial advisor?Yes, involving them early can help them understand wealth management and prepare them for future responsibilities.

Where to go next

If you want to go deeper, here isthe one habit that separates lasting family fortunes, how families think abouttransferring wealth in a down market, and whatTexas estate planning before a salelooks like in practice.
And if you are within a few years of handing something down and want a second set of eyes on the plan for the people, not just the assets, that is a conversation worth having.
This blog post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute legal, tax, or financial advice. Past performance does not guarantee future results. Consult with qualified professionals for guidance tailored to your specific situation. Doug may provide services and conduct business as Pinnacle Wealth Advisory with advisory services offered through SB Advisory, LLC.