My LinkedIn headline read: "Results-driven marketing professional | Passionate about growth | Open to opportunities."
I thought it was fine. The AI disagreed — loudly.
The headline roast
🔥 The Roast: "'Results-driven' appears on roughly 40% of all LinkedIn profiles, which means it communicates exactly nothing about you specifically. 'Passionate about growth' describes a house plant. And 'Open to opportunities' is the professional equivalent of putting 'looking for fun' on a dating profile — technically accurate but deeply unserious."
All three phrases. Roasted. Correctly.
The rewrite:
- Before: "Results-driven marketing professional | Passionate about growth | Open to opportunities"
- After: "Grew email revenue 40% at SaaS startup by rebuilding segmentation | Now helping B2B companies do the same"
Same person. Completely different signal.
The About section roast
🔥 The Roast: "Written in third person — 'John is a dedicated professional who...' — which is a choice, and that choice is wrong. You are writing this. Everyone knows you are writing this. The third-person voice just makes it read like a Wikipedia article about someone mildly notable."
What the full report found
- No personality: Could describe any marketing person at any company
- No numbers: "Significant growth" and "strong results" are meaningless without figures
- No clear value prop: Who should connect with you? What do you help people do? Unclear
- Buried the interesting stuff: The one compelling thing was in the last paragraph
- Skills section chaos: 47 endorsements for "Microsoft Office"
The LinkedIn headline formula that works
[What you do specifically] + [for who] + [the result they care about]
Examples:
- "Helping SaaS companies cut churn by fixing their onboarding | Customer Success @ Acme"
- "iOS engineer who ships fast | Previously @Shopify | Open to senior roles"
- "Freelance copywriter for fintech brands | Writing that converts without the jargon"
💼 Roast My LinkedIn — Paste your headline + About section. Get the same brutal treatment — free preview, $2 full report.
Originally published at conker.tools/blog/roast-my-linkedin
